Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
