you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Some milfs here doing some blow
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.