I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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