I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
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nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
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So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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