Texts From Last Night · landsy's Favorites

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landsy's Favorites Texts:

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(802): View more from Vermont

New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills

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(716): View more from New York

oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear

(1-716): View more from New York

The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear

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(407): View more from Florida

Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?

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(310): View more from California

Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.

(310): View more from California

But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.

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(425): View more from Washington

My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(314): View more from Missouri

My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic

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(512): View more from Texas

they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

you have the best friends

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(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours

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(928): View more from Arizona

Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Hey I found a cat!

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(352): View more from Florida

a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't you gay?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(510): View more from California

Found an old burrito under my bed

(415): View more from California

You are a sick fuck

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(303): View more from Colorado

Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...

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(514): View more from Quebec

It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight

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(831): View more from California

I won't be able to get a boner for a month

(916): View more from California

Challenge accepted.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?

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(817): View more from Texas

Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit

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(216): View more from Ohio

I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating

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(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it

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(479): View more from Arkansas

fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that actually explains a lot

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

(216): View more from Ohio

Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless

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(916): View more from California

you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?

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(518): View more from New York

I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

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(404): View more from Georgia

The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"

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(613): View more from Ontario

you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.

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(813): View more from Florida

You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON

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(541): View more from Oregon

I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Lets go hit some boners bro!

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.

(1-506): View more from New Brunswick

Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7

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(574): View more from Indiana

well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.

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(706): View more from Georgia

First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.

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(954): View more from Florida

She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering

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(315): View more from New York

There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care

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(813): View more from Florida

Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?

(813): View more from Florida

Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Stop reading WebMD high.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.

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(369): View more from California

I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.

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(520): View more from Arizona

They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.

(520): View more from Arizona

Judging by this purple one they got to second base.

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(815): View more from Illinois

after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.

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(941): View more from Florida

im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna

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(208): View more from Idaho

Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.

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(313): View more from Michigan

You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink

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(360): View more from Washington

My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.

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(317): View more from Indiana

TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

(415): View more from California

I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

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(419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities

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(314): View more from Missouri

Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart

(763): View more from Minnesota

Die.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome

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(651): View more from Minnesota

OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.

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(519): View more from Ontario

we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...

(226): View more from Ontario

did I at least say anything...

(519): View more from Ontario

you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok

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(916): View more from California

Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.

(1-916): View more from California

Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.

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(469): View more from Texas

I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

But break dance skills will only take you so far

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(503): View more from Oregon

I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.

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(251): View more from Alabama

We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You left wolverine marks

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator

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(804): View more from Virginia

Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless

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(602): View more from Arizona

After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.

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(972): View more from Texas

Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT

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(815): View more from Illinois

I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.

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(815): View more from Illinois

My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?

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