Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
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I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
It's blow job season.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."