Texts From Last Night

dearlyxdemented's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up. http://tfl.nu/kbsr
  Replies (0) Good night (821) Bad night (187) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches. http://tfl.nu/i131
  Replies (6) Good night (1036) Bad night (206) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session http://tfl.nu/02xz
  Replies (2) Good night (304) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause. http://tfl.nu/2yit
  Replies (8) Good night (1014) Bad night (299) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (325): View more from Texas

  I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (325): I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good? http://tfl.nu/0pjz
  Replies (3) Good night (312) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night. http://tfl.nu/xmy8
  Replies (4) Good night (1873) Bad night (683) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers http://tfl.nu/2b5k
  Replies (9) Good night (1479) Bad night (700) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured (617): I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed http://tfl.nu/ilci
  Replies (14) Good night (2203) Bad night (434)
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.

  (1-870): View more from Arkansas

  You always know what to say to make me feel better.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you. (1-870): You always know what to say to make me feel better. http://tfl.nu/or61
  Replies (2) Good night (1444) Bad night (300) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Why do you think it's a no-pants party?

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): Why do you think it's a no-pants party? (603): Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation. http://tfl.nu/hg9g
  Replies (4) Good night (2581) Bad night (339)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~ http://tfl.nu/6n7p
  Replies (5) Good night (1959) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/60pl
  Replies (5) Good night (444) Bad night (2081) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me. http://tfl.nu/z9vp
  Replies (6) Good night (2795) Bad night (1010) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/j615
  Replies (4) Good night (821) Bad night (1856)
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab http://tfl.nu/ysz3
  Replies (8) Good night (602) Bad night (1242) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura! http://tfl.nu/nzmy
  Replies (15) Good night (2452) Bad night (374)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.

  (1-707): View more from California

  Put down the everclear and go to bed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): I kinda wanna eat your hands right now. (1-707): Put down the everclear and go to bed. http://tfl.nu/rmaf
  Replies (1) Good night (1571) Bad night (305) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic. http://tfl.nu/b5pl
  Replies (2) Good night (1558) Bad night (335) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  Ok let me change into clothes i can run in

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer (1-586): Ok let me change into clothes i can run in http://tfl.nu/bmel
  Replies (10) Good night (2520) Bad night (349)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world. http://tfl.nu/8eb4
  Replies (8) Good night (2483) Bad night (317)
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right? http://tfl.nu/k62y
  Replies (3) Good night (1506) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me. http://tfl.nu/rflf
  Replies (10) Good night (3271) Bad night (827) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb. http://tfl.nu/7di2
  Replies (2) Good night (2742) Bad night (790) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life. http://tfl.nu/zm5g
  Replies (12) Good night (7244) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you http://tfl.nu/4yxe
  Replies (35) Good night (8787) Bad night (1449) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed http://tfl.nu/6788
  Replies (2) Good night (2744) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here. http://tfl.nu/jxmt
  Replies (22) Good night (3272) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird http://tfl.nu/672q
  Replies (12) Good night (2976) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something? http://tfl.nu/j190
  Replies (27) Good night (7473) Bad night (1045)
• Favorite

  (316): View more from Kansas

  You love me.

  (785): View more from Kansas

  That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (316): You love me. (785): That's because, tragically, I adore whores. http://tfl.nu/7eph
  Replies (29) Good night (7631) Bad night (1163)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera http://tfl.nu/ivkx
  Replies (40) Good night (695) Bad night (2476)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly http://tfl.nu/a8cm
  Replies (19) Good night (1119) Bad night (5181)
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore. http://tfl.nu/kjzo
  Replies (12) Good night (3508) Bad night (589) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M http://tfl.nu/v1d0
  Replies (26) Good night (7362) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date... http://tfl.nu/r091
  Replies (10) Good night (965) Bad night (3477)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement? http://tfl.nu/kphp
  Replies (6) Good night (4915) Bad night (960)
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

  (352): View more from Florida

  And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. (352): And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave. http://tfl.nu/f5gq
  Replies (8) Good night (4671) Bad night (777)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit. http://tfl.nu/afy7
  Replies (14) Good night (6602) Bad night (931) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store http://tfl.nu/0ult
  Replies (25) Good night (4417) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem http://tfl.nu/9xlk
  Replies (16) Good night (4970) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/f3x3
  Replies (7) Good night (3989) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you? http://tfl.nu/jwce
  Replies (6) Good night (2496) Bad night (655) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now. http://tfl.nu/5jdl
  Replies (13) Good night (5488) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party http://tfl.nu/gmt6
  Replies (10) Good night (5560) Bad night (1027) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign http://tfl.nu/0lhe
  Replies (7) Good night (745) Bad night (3927) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73
  Replies (13) Good night (7479) Bad night (725) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords. http://tfl.nu/tyuw
  Replies (9) Good night (669) Bad night (2858) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this http://tfl.nu/08vw
  Replies (40) Good night (1386) Bad night (6134) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  did u get his digits?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): did u get his digits? (201): yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone... http://tfl.nu/pvtx
  Replies (8) Good night (4685) Bad night (666)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning http://tfl.nu/jaay
  Replies (12) Good night (1366) Bad night (6310) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend. http://tfl.nu/4wvr
  Replies (9) Good night (3645) Bad night (709) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE http://tfl.nu/0vv1
  Replies (71) Good night (5257) Bad night (971) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night http://tfl.nu/jc2t
  Replies (14) Good night (3778) Bad night (1006) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from? http://tfl.nu/xs7j
  Replies (7) Good night (1155) Bad night (2500) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does" http://tfl.nu/16y8
  Replies (15) Good night (1327) Bad night (6050) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv. http://tfl.nu/oqts
  Replies (61) Good night (10148) Bad night (1418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train. http://tfl.nu/vfk6
  Replies (23) Good night (10995) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip http://tfl.nu/drj8
  Replies (15) Good night (1759) Bad night (5675) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Is he smart?

  (1-952): View more from Minnesota

  Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (952): Is he smart? (1-952): Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half. http://tfl.nu/hxnn
  Replies (20) Good night (5616) Bad night (866) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it. http://tfl.nu/q114
  Replies (10) Good night (7240) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  What's he like?

  (954): View more from Florida

  The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): What's he like? (954): The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess. http://tfl.nu/zcji
  Replies (29) Good night (6992) Bad night (715)
• Favorite

  (712): View more from Iowa

  Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

  (714): View more from California

  Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (712): Doctor said I have sports induced asthma. (714): Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape." http://tfl.nu/hfcj
  Replies (37) Good night (9275) Bad night (1195)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name. http://tfl.nu/axbm
  Replies (33) Good night (1121) Bad night (13059) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs http://tfl.nu/dxeo
  Replies (13) Good night (8199) Bad night (920)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first. http://tfl.nu/qnn2
  Replies (11) Good night (1018) Bad night (5230) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what. http://tfl.nu/4g32
  Replies (27) Good night (5227) Bad night (1102) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

  (661): View more from California

  Truer words have never been spoken.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): Vodka is such a love hate relationship. (661): Truer words have never been spoken. http://tfl.nu/p042
  Replies (21) Good night (4931) Bad night (813)
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage. http://tfl.nu/q50p
  Replies (17) Good night (4031) Bad night (1653) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him. http://tfl.nu/tve9
  Replies (14) Good night (5308) Bad night (1016) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court. http://tfl.nu/8rt0
  Replies (10) Good night (5965) Bad night (567) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (623): View more from Arizona

  I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (623): I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take. http://tfl.nu/lajr
  Replies (24) Good night (4286) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month http://tfl.nu/ybux
  Replies (10) Good night (5119) Bad night (711) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (316): View more from Kansas

  My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (316): My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch. http://tfl.nu/qemq
  Replies (14) Good night (956) Bad night (3960)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me http://tfl.nu/kg6n
  Replies (10) Good night (1603) Bad night (3032) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

  (818): View more from California

  god is laughing at you again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot (818): god is laughing at you again http://tfl.nu/4fg3
  Replies (20) Good night (4714) Bad night (1253)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now. http://tfl.nu/s4lf
  Replies (7) Good night (829) Bad night (2464) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood. http://tfl.nu/a0o1
  Replies (35) Good night (4844) Bad night (1371) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Clothes are such an inconvenience.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): Clothes are such an inconvenience. http://tfl.nu/1jcm
  Replies (22) Good night (8023) Bad night (655) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk... http://tfl.nu/ndqi
  Replies (14) Good night (5450) Bad night (1063) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong? http://tfl.nu/qz2n
  Replies (44) Good night (2156) Bad night (6360) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b http://tfl.nu/ogbj
  Replies (47) Good night (2082) Bad night (6080) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday. http://tfl.nu/86uh
  Replies (42) Good night (10933) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her. http://tfl.nu/ivfo
  Replies (10) Good night (5235) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?" http://tfl.nu/pefr
  Replies (22) Good night (5224) Bad night (1822) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again" http://tfl.nu/ygm1
  Replies (12) Good night (7102) Bad night (1594) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over. http://tfl.nu/878e
  Replies (40) Good night (1330) Bad night (6968) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (171) Good night (49210) Bad night (5110)
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide http://tfl.nu/4asu
  Replies (7) Good night (302) Bad night (3177) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves. http://tfl.nu/rn3o
  Replies (41) Good night (11871) Bad night (1168) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available http://tfl.nu/v31e
  Replies (5) Good night (841) Bad night (269) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  haha good one..how did you even know?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night (1-404): haha good one..how did you even know? (404): we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck. http://tfl.nu/dmh7
  Replies (46) Good night (4639) Bad night (993)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again. http://tfl.nu/0grs
  Replies (30) Good night (6094) Bad night (768) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange. http://tfl.nu/6ccw
  Replies (19) Good night (973) Bad night (5171) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that. http://tfl.nu/1tq2
  Replies (39) Good night (3116) Bad night (5179) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn. http://tfl.nu/nwzi
  Replies (45) Good night (4628) Bad night (823) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside. http://tfl.nu/psku
  Replies (10) Good night (1114) Bad night (3412) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome. http://tfl.nu/a48x
  Replies (32) Good night (8509) Bad night (1422) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year. http://tfl.nu/fhgz
  Replies (19) Good night (5552) Bad night (1057) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian. http://tfl.nu/grua
  Replies (20) Good night (2391) Bad night (4109) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine. http://tfl.nu/s4y5
  Replies (25) Good night (9702) Bad night (1087)
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you. http://tfl.nu/twb2
  Replies (20) Good night (1369) Bad night (6393) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him. http://tfl.nu/iiv7
  Replies (15) Good night (7815) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  you should get a family discount.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer. (404): you should get a family discount. http://tfl.nu/bl35
  Replies (33) Good night (10268) Bad night (1048)
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too. http://tfl.nu/dkri
  Replies (19) Good night (6581) Bad night (1340)
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y
  Replies (28) Good night (12525) Bad night (1582) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella http://tfl.nu/27sq
  Replies (31) Good night (11893) Bad night (1195) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate. http://tfl.nu/5lpe
  Replies (13) Good night (5647) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case" http://tfl.nu/fgo6
  Replies (12) Good night (6197) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero http://tfl.nu/5voz
  Replies (9) Good night (4425) Bad night (1181) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (952): well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning. http://tfl.nu/jye2
  Replies (14) Good night (5210) Bad night (1048) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York. http://tfl.nu/ptqc
  Replies (34) Good night (7399) Bad night (431)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock http://tfl.nu/5322
  Replies (23) Good night (668) Bad night (3530) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way http://tfl.nu/08qt
  Replies (22) Good night (8725) Bad night (837) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  please don't ever take me to a strip club again...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals... (1-217): please don't ever take me to a strip club again... http://tfl.nu/2ds8
  Replies (29) Good night (5639) Bad night (1386)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later http://tfl.nu/a02r
  Replies (26) Good night (7294) Bad night (1715) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now. http://tfl.nu/gc18
  Replies (20) Good night (3124) Bad night (5420) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining http://tfl.nu/2n0l
  Replies (11) Good night (5690) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig. http://tfl.nu/u35s
  Replies (12) Good night (1505) Bad night (4609) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day. http://tfl.nu/k9f2
  Replies (17) Good night (5185) Bad night (581) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it. http://tfl.nu/h4q6
  Replies (22) Good night (5877) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life. http://tfl.nu/71wd
  Replies (25) Good night (12287) Bad night (843)
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day. http://tfl.nu/k8ur
  Replies (15) Good night (8429) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face. http://tfl.nu/s86z
  Replies (46) Good night (5651) Bad night (8276) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful http://tfl.nu/3flc
  Replies (30) Good night (6647) Bad night (1039) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed http://tfl.nu/xgm0
  Replies (43) Good night (1662) Bad night (13474) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping. http://tfl.nu/hx4w
  Replies (12) Good night (4240) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): And my fence, why is part of it on the roof? http://tfl.nu/v3wp
  Replies (6) Good night (4871) Bad night (774) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
  Replies (48) Good night (27267) Bad night (599) Order T-Shirt