Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
