Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.