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I understand why you refuse to be sober now
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
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