I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"