nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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