but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Houston, we have a blender
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
What should our trivia night team be named?
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed