there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
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I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
one two three fourrrrnication!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.