So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
