Texts From Last Night

ARRpirate's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/s47d
  Replies (13) Good night (6827) Bad night (913) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich? http://tfl.nu/66qn
  Replies (25) Good night (5293) Bad night (1117) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  a search helicopter?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): a search helicopter?! http://tfl.nu/5l8d
  Replies (25) Good night (5160) Bad night (1059) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often. http://tfl.nu/6bnz
  Replies (31) Good night (10363) Bad night (1052)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it. http://tfl.nu/111s
  Replies (31) Good night (3709) Bad night (1281) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year http://tfl.nu/jq5i
  Replies (23) Good night (5798) Bad night (986) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  she pinky promised me she was 18

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): she pinky promised me she was 18 http://tfl.nu/cbo2
  Replies (67) Good night (7842) Bad night (2883) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves. http://tfl.nu/rn3o
  Replies (41) Good night (12279) Bad night (1391) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): We just picked up about 540 lbs of women.... http://tfl.nu/g6wv
  Replies (179) Good night (1458) Bad night (2967) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  You are nothing if not reliable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different. (1-206): You are nothing if not reliable. http://tfl.nu/5ioj
  Replies (11) Good night (4786) Bad night (1363)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
  Replies (87) Good night (14310) Bad night (2671) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have. http://tfl.nu/pc4d
  Replies (30) Good night (2780) Bad night (7451) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex (1-614): You and your mom would make an amazing tag team http://tfl.nu/l8wh
  Replies (23) Good night (7895) Bad night (1142) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year http://tfl.nu/qbpm
  Replies (20) Good night (5124) Bad night (991) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it. http://tfl.nu/vg3u
  Replies (22) Good night (6019) Bad night (1193) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"? http://tfl.nu/3j2r
  Replies (32) Good night (16982) Bad night (1202) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation. http://tfl.nu/7b12
  Replies (28) Good night (1236) Bad night (7325) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree http://tfl.nu/cqwy
  Replies (19) Good night (5608) Bad night (934) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job http://tfl.nu/ki5a
  Replies (45) Good night (4555) Bad night (1641) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Maybe she gives good head

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (731): Maybe she gives good head (615): A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head http://tfl.nu/5nox
  Replies (44) Good night (682) Bad night (3647)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay. http://tfl.nu/14mn
  Replies (15) Good night (774) Bad night (6366) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching. http://tfl.nu/ljur
  Replies (21) Good night (1727) Bad night (8191) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her. http://tfl.nu/4z7e
  Replies (12) Good night (4488) Bad night (1031) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius! http://tfl.nu/2kph
  Replies (259) Good night (4912) Bad night (4699) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  addddeeerrraaaallll.

  (641): View more from Iowa

  ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): addddeeerrraaaallll. (641): ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help. http://tfl.nu/xlcd
  Replies (14) Good night (1371) Bad night (449)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass http://tfl.nu/vj6i
  Replies (17) Good night (3955) Bad night (1773) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?" (1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/2hl0
  Replies (17) Good night (7032) Bad night (1007)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps http://tfl.nu/dpvm
  Replies (8) Good night (4133) Bad night (900) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency" http://tfl.nu/zhku
  Replies (9) Good night (3907) Bad night (841) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash. http://tfl.nu/pn5n
  Replies (31) Good night (5639) Bad night (1372) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Actions speak louder than pants.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): Actions speak louder than pants. http://tfl.nu/3ga3
  Replies (12) Good night (4919) Bad night (892) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments http://tfl.nu/zq97
  Replies (15) Good night (4260) Bad night (1241) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Do they take checks?

  (1-606): View more from Kentucky

  Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (606): Do they take checks? (1-606): Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL? http://tfl.nu/lvo7
  Replies (18) Good night (4876) Bad night (1535) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done http://tfl.nu/fwxa
  Replies (15) Good night (3638) Bad night (2722) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  like hot dogs and buns.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky (267): like hot dogs and buns. http://tfl.nu/crsi
  Replies (22) Good night (8116) Bad night (1011)
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding http://tfl.nu/pa6f
  Replies (21) Good night (6880) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years. http://tfl.nu/8lob
  Replies (19) Good night (1698) Bad night (5366) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Any little, cute, petite blondes with you? (1-248): Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though. http://tfl.nu/s8t4
  Replies (41) Good night (9193) Bad night (1191) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room http://tfl.nu/jsw5
  Replies (22) Good night (7781) Bad night (1219) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate? http://tfl.nu/77q7
  Replies (77) Good night (6906) Bad night (1055) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

  (818): View more from California

  Punch her baby.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me. (818): Punch her baby. http://tfl.nu/ve2m
  Replies (59) Good night (6266) Bad night (866)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. (970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right. http://tfl.nu/uxeh
  Replies (18) Good night (914) Bad night (1515)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened. http://tfl.nu/4exz
  Replies (23) Good night (6328) Bad night (2675) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room? http://tfl.nu/bp9i
  Replies (14) Good night (4827) Bad night (2184) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat. http://tfl.nu/qnu6
  Replies (31) Good night (4197) Bad night (5057) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today" http://tfl.nu/2j14
  Replies (26) Good night (2944) Bad night (6161) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom http://tfl.nu/itfy
  Replies (48) Good night (22074) Bad night (1145) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
  Replies (82) Good night (33430) Bad night (1291)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day. http://tfl.nu/5atz
  Replies (29) Good night (5201) Bad night (1884) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (985): I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now. http://tfl.nu/zv6d
  Replies (6) Good night (5700) Bad night (769)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane. http://tfl.nu/zl9e
  Replies (18) Good night (6365) Bad night (993)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach. http://tfl.nu/dziv
  Replies (44) Good night (3967) Bad night (1540) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51580) Bad night (2264)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic. http://tfl.nu/hh2b
  Replies (33) Good night (3873) Bad night (4960) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/9b1u
  Replies (17) Good night (1226) Bad night (5617) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?" http://tfl.nu/fnwu
  Replies (11) Good night (7832) Bad night (905) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd. http://tfl.nu/3wwu
  Replies (20) Good night (6038) Bad night (1036) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  What?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH. (610): What? (484): A TROUGH FOR VOMIT. http://tfl.nu/8z8s
  Replies (17) Good night (3540) Bad night (2951)
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop. http://tfl.nu/zx6t
  Replies (31) Good night (5372) Bad night (842) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy. http://tfl.nu/z1ta
  Replies (81) Good night (2501) Bad night (8011) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking http://tfl.nu/fefy
  Replies (39) Good night (7382) Bad night (953) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood. http://tfl.nu/55rt
  Replies (14) Good night (4837) Bad night (1498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins. http://tfl.nu/qxz4
  Replies (39) Good night (8256) Bad night (998) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs http://tfl.nu/dxeo
  Replies (13) Good night (8519) Bad night (1162)
• Favorite

  (+49): View more from Germany

  Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+49): Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face http://tfl.nu/4iya
  Replies (26) Good night (11409) Bad night (1755) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/9axz
  Replies (30) Good night (7025) Bad night (1033) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum. http://tfl.nu/8vy8
  Replies (13) Good night (4830) Bad night (710) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say. http://tfl.nu/ygp4
  Replies (20) Good night (6032) Bad night (978) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
  Replies (45) Good night (25450) Bad night (1101) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (626): View more from California

  I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (626): I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards http://tfl.nu/kggv
  Replies (7) Good night (2811) Bad night (817) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face. http://tfl.nu/tn6y
  Replies (12) Good night (4972) Bad night (1565) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare. http://tfl.nu/yoal
  Replies (32) Good night (6463) Bad night (768) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song. http://tfl.nu/qyok
  Replies (22) Good night (3181) Bad night (3137) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa
  Replies (44) Good night (16718) Bad night (1091)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  New charity walk idea!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished. (202): New charity walk idea! http://tfl.nu/skxt
  Replies (31) Good night (12993) Bad night (762)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  So can I buy you a drink sometime?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): So can I buy you a drink sometime? (206): Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days. http://tfl.nu/hks4
  Replies (28) Good night (1103) Bad night (7579)
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You might as well just give her the money now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it. (610): You might as well just give her the money now. http://tfl.nu/i76w
  Replies (72) Good night (3843) Bad night (1353)
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!? http://tfl.nu/iolx
  Replies (39) Good night (11328) Bad night (1428) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie. http://tfl.nu/bxsq
  Replies (45) Good night (5462) Bad night (1133) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  fireball beer pong. youre missing out

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  how is that even possible?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  ove gloves.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  be there in ten.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): fireball beer pong. youre missing out (732): how is that even possible? (908): ove gloves. (732): be there in ten. http://tfl.nu/dpvx
  Replies (30) Good night (8786) Bad night (1011)
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me. http://tfl.nu/1449
  Replies (24) Good night (5226) Bad night (1241) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day. http://tfl.nu/pyo4
  Replies (7) Good night (4894) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go. http://tfl.nu/oxgw
  Replies (2) Good night (2340) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA http://tfl.nu/d77g
  Replies (14) Good night (4621) Bad night (591) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Toronto

  Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich http://tfl.nu/gjvv
  Replies (107) Good night (813) Bad night (14682) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid. http://tfl.nu/ujtp
  Replies (16) Good night (694) Bad night (3319) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free. http://tfl.nu/j1zd
  Replies (20) Good night (8303) Bad night (1097) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza http://tfl.nu/44q3
  Replies (24) Good night (6411) Bad night (1362) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ" http://tfl.nu/pk0t
  Replies (41) Good night (14880) Bad night (1013) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now http://tfl.nu/173b
  Replies (25) Good night (8794) Bad night (1265)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
  Replies (434) Good night (54931) Bad night (6424) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (623): View more from Arizona

  Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (623): Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy. http://tfl.nu/cg4z
  Replies (60) Good night (2126) Bad night (4966) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack. http://tfl.nu/ptag
  Replies (32) Good night (1208) Bad night (8631)
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): My own mom unfriended me on Facebook. http://tfl.nu/a468
  Replies (68) Good night (3735) Bad night (11296) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe http://tfl.nu/ye00
  Replies (35) Good night (1132) Bad night (13745)
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes http://tfl.nu/flaw
  Replies (26) Good night (1832) Bad night (4075) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it. http://tfl.nu/e919
  Replies (20) Good night (7652) Bad night (972) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out. http://tfl.nu/fs1q
  Replies (15) Good night (1156) Bad night (4631) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
  Replies (78) Good night (6215) Bad night (6703) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together http://tfl.nu/6q67
  Replies (20) Good night (7412) Bad night (1050) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.

  (818): View more from California

  she hot?

  (323): View more from California

  i don't wanna talk about it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car. (818): she hot? (323): i don't wanna talk about it http://tfl.nu/ojc9
  Replies (6) Good night (580) Bad night (1473)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  ...yea

  (614): View more from Ohio

  She's valid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence? (1-614): ...yea (614): She's valid. http://tfl.nu/5j37
  Replies (3) Good night (3190) Bad night (429)