So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
