Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won