I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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