just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
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looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you didnt know i had herpes?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
it glows. i had to have it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.