I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.