And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
