you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers