Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
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I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry my hands just texted you
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.