put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.