ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
