Texts From Last Night

tishany's Favorites Texts:

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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.

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  (614): Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel. http://tfl.nu/hpfu
  Replies (6) Good night (1977) Bad night (361)
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  (940): View more from Texas

  My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!

  (940): View more from Texas

  HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.

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  (940): My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!! (940): HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT. http://tfl.nu/347l
  Replies (8) Good night (1752) Bad night (535)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..

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  (978): I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital.. http://tfl.nu/5pzt
  Replies (5) Good night (1992) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night

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  (610): There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night http://tfl.nu/8wbo
  Replies (8) Good night (3592) Bad night (653) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
  Replies (16) Good night (7574) Bad night (1249)
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

  (1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

  This is why we're friends.

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  (780): If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator. (1-780): This is why we're friends. http://tfl.nu/yp3s
  Replies (7) Good night (4158) Bad night (731)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dude you has no fucking this poptart

  (719): View more from Colorado

  What?

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I dont know to explain this.

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  (843): Dude you has no fucking this poptart (719): What? (843): I dont know to explain this. http://tfl.nu/kk1s
  Replies (35) Good night (6172) Bad night (1013)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma

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  (479): I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club... (1-479): I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma http://tfl.nu/vhqd
  Replies (23) Good night (732) Bad night (3222) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  wow, that really makes you stop and think.

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  (804): Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys (1-804): wow, that really makes you stop and think. http://tfl.nu/7oma
  Replies (10) Good night (979) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
  Replies (65) Good night (19438) Bad night (1464) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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  (864): I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you. http://tfl.nu/pv7t
  Replies (11) Good night (6954) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.

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  (317): i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life. http://tfl.nu/2bhk
  Replies (19) Good night (3638) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
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  (323): View more from California

  You know you want to come over later

  (1-323): View more from California

  1:27a: Um no

  (1-323): View more from California

  1:45a: Maybe

  (1-323): View more from California

  2:05a: Probably

  (1-323): View more from California

  2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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  (323): You know you want to come over later (1-323) 1:27a: Um no (1-323) 1:45a: Maybe (1-323) 2:05a: Probably (1-323) 2:38a: I'm outside, let me in http://tfl.nu/aay3
  Replies (8) Good night (3151) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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  (703): okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar. (1-703): I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up? http://tfl.nu/a4zj
  Replies (55) Good night (11278) Bad night (682)
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
  Replies (43) Good night (21132) Bad night (1201)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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  (250): A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja http://tfl.nu/h6o5
  Replies (30) Good night (7024) Bad night (843)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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  (724): I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo. (724): That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling http://tfl.nu/z57r
  Replies (23) Good night (1704) Bad night (349)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick

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  (973): oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick http://tfl.nu/qy0n
  Replies (21) Good night (1463) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!

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  (630): My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea! http://tfl.nu/pudz
  Replies (5) Good night (414) Bad night (1032) Order T-Shirt
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.

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  (434): KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS. http://tfl.nu/51z5
  Replies (24) Good night (4825) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3

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  (403): Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3 http://tfl.nu/lt38
  Replies (20) Good night (1500) Bad night (3333) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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  (509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw
  Replies (14) Good night (1019) Bad night (5203) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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  (617): He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up. http://tfl.nu/h2lf
  Replies (23) Good night (7578) Bad night (4487) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

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  (267): We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now http://tfl.nu/1wl1
  Replies (29) Good night (4918) Bad night (1161) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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  (205): I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers. http://tfl.nu/jlqp
  Replies (21) Good night (6620) Bad night (1009)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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  (902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted. http://tfl.nu/575h
  Replies (134) Good night (6485) Bad night (53644)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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  (505): I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot http://tfl.nu/gw1u
  Replies (366) Good night (1574) Bad night (51717) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  What does that mean?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  How when the cu k dos I yet u

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Focus

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  (248): fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!! (1-248): What does that mean? (248): How when the cu k dos I yet u (1-248): Focus http://tfl.nu/kvgv
  Replies (13) Good night (1405) Bad night (331)
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  (631): View more from New York

  It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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  (631): It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom. http://tfl.nu/aix7
  Replies (48) Good night (6028) Bad night (1485)
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  (755): View more from

  How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?

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  (755): How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad? http://tfl.nu/39qf
  Replies (5) Good night (321) Bad night (974) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time

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  (714): his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time http://tfl.nu/seuc
  Replies (21) Good night (3783) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  bitches.

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  (614): can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!? (740): bitches. http://tfl.nu/evq4
  Replies (58) Good night (8370) Bad night (601)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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  (303): It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic. http://tfl.nu/yvsq
  Replies (27) Good night (2046) Bad night (4353) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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  (813): y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all. http://tfl.nu/2iln
  Replies (125) Good night (14603) Bad night (1002)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  nevermind....I'm on the way

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  (814): dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high (808): worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave (814): nevermind....I'm on the way http://tfl.nu/dzeu
  Replies (70) Good night (9726) Bad night (601)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy

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  (678): she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy http://tfl.nu/57ze
  Replies (17) Good night (5764) Bad night (999) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.

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  (775): just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos. http://tfl.nu/20bz
  Replies (7) Good night (1171) Bad night (316) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose

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  (781): im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose http://tfl.nu/q51l
  Replies (51) Good night (1424) Bad night (6184) Order T-Shirt
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.

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  (606): I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified. http://tfl.nu/k6t4
  Replies (15) Good night (5336) Bad night (1211) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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  (847): Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden? http://tfl.nu/x4ab
  Replies (110) Good night (11817) Bad night (1088) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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  (231): A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people. http://tfl.nu/k0xd
  Replies (110) Good night (8952) Bad night (1862) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

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  (480): she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever. http://tfl.nu/lqf2
  Replies (73) Good night (956) Bad night (15114) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  a queef is a wish your heart makes.

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  (443): a queef is a wish your heart makes. http://tfl.nu/o0oa
  Replies (20) Good night (998) Bad night (2946) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

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  (828): As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance. http://tfl.nu/tng6
  Replies (84) Good night (8921) Bad night (1048) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.

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  (352): Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself. http://tfl.nu/hxa2
  Replies (5) Good night (1832) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.

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  (214): I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off. http://tfl.nu/qpy6
  Replies (38) Good night (354) Bad night (4082) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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  (630): My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock. http://tfl.nu/njgo
  Replies (166) Good night (27095) Bad night (2261) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?

  (1-661): View more from California

  What the hell did you do last night?!

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  (661): Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy? (1-661): What the hell did you do last night?! http://tfl.nu/xxav
  Replies (48) Good night (604) Bad night (9533) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
  Replies (137) Good night (36759) Bad night (1052)
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  (510): View more from California

  I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

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  (510): I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring... http://tfl.nu/set0
  Replies (80) Good night (2503) Bad night (7855) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.

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  (714): I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy. http://tfl.nu/mwni
  Replies (11) Good night (679) Bad night (2762) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.

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  (440): We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night. http://tfl.nu/4khi
  Replies (34) Good night (4280) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.

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  (818): i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore. http://tfl.nu/kjzo
  Replies (12) Good night (3508) Bad night (589) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.

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  (440): he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever. http://tfl.nu/ykgr
  Replies (64) Good night (9476) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?

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  (617): Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it? http://tfl.nu/1qwp
  Replies (16) Good night (455) Bad night (2876) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm coming over.

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  (281): I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay. (713): I'm coming over. http://tfl.nu/32wi
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.

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  (352): Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance. http://tfl.nu/csuc
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  and?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  RIP clitoris

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  (609): I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there... (1-609): and? (609): RIP clitoris http://tfl.nu/1ub6
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  super hot butfun

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

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  (832): super hot butfun (832): Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make. http://tfl.nu/zsez
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My hand turned me down

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  (303): My hand turned me down http://tfl.nu/yueq
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  (845): View more from New York

  Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap

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  (845): Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap http://tfl.nu/797p
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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  (870): I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible". http://tfl.nu/e3k3
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is sufficient.

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  (412): Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living (1-412): bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug (412): This is sufficient. http://tfl.nu/p15m
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  (310): View more from California

  ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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  (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

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  (202): He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia http://tfl.nu/7fa5
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  He has such a weird drunk-voice.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  dude, he's deaf.

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  (417): He has such a weird drunk-voice. (1-417): dude, he's deaf. http://tfl.nu/4u2p
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I'm not a mortal combat character

  (410): View more from Maryland

  but my vagina is

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  (860): I'm not a mortal combat character (410): but my vagina is http://tfl.nu/01am
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

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  (773): My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it http://tfl.nu/4cmd
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Hi

  (805): View more from California

  Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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  (425): Hi (805): Babe...You're really smothering me right now http://tfl.nu/5pqv
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.

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  (636): It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy. http://tfl.nu/okgv
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.

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  (917): I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina. http://tfl.nu/mdvg
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  (631): View more from New York

  Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.

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  (631): Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans. http://tfl.nu/f9ad
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  (631): View more from New York

  So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone

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  (631): So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone http://tfl.nu/mgb2
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  (972): View more from Texas

  it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles

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  (972): it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles http://tfl.nu/ysqd
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  (714): View more from California

  i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?

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  (714): i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto? http://tfl.nu/tdft
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  (512): View more from Texas

  after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.

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  (512): after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men. http://tfl.nu/7tn8
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (925): View more from California

  Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.

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  (925): Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab. http://tfl.nu/xv4n
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  (941): View more from Florida

  He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation

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  (941): He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation http://tfl.nu/2ie5
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you

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  (617): a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you</3 http://tfl.nu/z6s1
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.

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  (734): Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders. http://tfl.nu/udeu
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

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  (404): dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs http://tfl.nu/cgkd
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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  (302): she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to => http://tfl.nu/cnq4
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  (646): View more from New York

  Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

  (1-646): View more from New York

  what. the. fuck.

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  (646): Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now. (1-646): what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/rzew
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result

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  (480): ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result http://tfl.nu/ejuh
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.

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  (248): The first sip always goes straight to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/w086
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.

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  (405): A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again. http://tfl.nu/8buk
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.

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  (402): Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery. http://tfl.nu/iy17
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  actually, i try not to think about it

  (802): View more from Vermont

  and i pooped them out

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  (802): does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children (1-802): actually, i try not to think about it (802): and i pooped them out http://tfl.nu/h4ew
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  (212): View more from New York

  I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.

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  (212): I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth. http://tfl.nu/x3q1
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"

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  (443): The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts" http://tfl.nu/th5a
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