I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i came on her dog
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I queefed so loud it echoed.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero