Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
Me, myself and I
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?