Texts From Last Night

tcl1228's Favorites Texts:

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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
  Replies (107) Good night (31482) Bad night (1288)
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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  (514): Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta. http://tfl.nu/sa2y
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.

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  (732): They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody. http://tfl.nu/blud
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

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  (402): I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had. http://tfl.nu/opb7
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

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  (267): there needs to be a build-a-bong store... http://tfl.nu/zpe9
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

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  (702): No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up. http://tfl.nu/ztp2
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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  (608): You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal. http://tfl.nu/so63
  Replies (21) Good night (6789) Bad night (608)
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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  (228): He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good" http://tfl.nu/hwu1
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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  (253): Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out http://tfl.nu/bygf
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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  (814): you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door. http://tfl.nu/6ofj
  Replies (19) Good night (6156) Bad night (781)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"

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  (610): I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER. (610): When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!" http://tfl.nu/bnpd
  Replies (40) Good night (6024) Bad night (1045)
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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  (339): Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys. http://tfl.nu/p4yk
  Replies (20) Good night (5917) Bad night (637)
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  (310): View more from California

  as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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  (310): as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!' http://tfl.nu/csk1
  Replies (34) Good night (5781) Bad night (1041)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry

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  (804): i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry http://tfl.nu/11d0
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  (957): View more from

  I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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  (957): I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day. http://tfl.nu/42ia
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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  (703): I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver. http://tfl.nu/n7jh
  Replies (23) Good night (5463) Bad night (1742)
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  (315): View more from New York

  Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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  (315): Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench http://tfl.nu/9nh4
  Replies (20) Good night (5456) Bad night (1159)
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  (682): View more from Texas

  I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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  (682): I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face http://tfl.nu/zwwu
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  (631): View more from New York

  My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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  (631): My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you. http://tfl.nu/4nkq
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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  (586): he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/s6ky
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  succeeding

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  (781): we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives? (910): succeeding http://tfl.nu/avwv
  Replies (10) Good night (5067) Bad night (879)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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  (856): 12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong. (856): Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits http://tfl.nu/ncaq
  Replies (19) Good night (5009) Bad night (680)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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  (773): grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet. http://tfl.nu/onit
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner

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  (905): It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner http://tfl.nu/bz5d
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.

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  (203): She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers. http://tfl.nu/qfx8
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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  (336): Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me. http://tfl.nu/79qg
  Replies (57) Good night (4502) Bad night (1121)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.

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  (814): listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week. http://tfl.nu/ufqh
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".

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  (404): He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer". http://tfl.nu/vh03
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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  (+44): Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/0o8e
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

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  (720): I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk http://tfl.nu/2ycv
  Replies (13) Good night (3674) Bad night (944) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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  (917): Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night? http://tfl.nu/29mg
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would

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  (405): i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would http://tfl.nu/ua94
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever

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  (503): There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever http://tfl.nu/502h
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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  (603): You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet" http://tfl.nu/9891
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  (801): View more from Utah

  When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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  (801): When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married? http://tfl.nu/a2v4
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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  (+64): was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ?? http://tfl.nu/6vfo
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  (347): View more from New York

  his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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  (347): his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you. http://tfl.nu/crxb
  Replies (9) Good night (3186) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?

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  (204): well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing? http://tfl.nu/m8p9
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles

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  (651): The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles http://tfl.nu/ulwd
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

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  (224): I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!". http://tfl.nu/pw3u
  Replies (8) Good night (3111) Bad night (611)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.

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  (417): Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by. http://tfl.nu/hvbu
  Replies (14) Good night (3066) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here

  (540): View more from Virginia

  you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill

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  (540): we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here (540): you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill http://tfl.nu/12nq
  Replies (8) Good night (3065) Bad night (601)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

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  (708): We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance http://tfl.nu/osk3
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

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  (207): Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP. http://tfl.nu/nipi
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol

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  (+44): It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol http://tfl.nu/lr14
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  (559): View more from California

  The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.

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  (559): The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/xrml
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk

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  (352): I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk http://tfl.nu/lbo9
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  (845): View more from New York

  There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

  (845): View more from New York

  Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

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  (845): There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help. (845): Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me. http://tfl.nu/1wp4
  Replies (5) Good night (2869) Bad night (637)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki

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  (250): I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki http://tfl.nu/rhok
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

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  (574): Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things. http://tfl.nu/zj1a
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  where do you find these guys?

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  (413): he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight' (860): where do you find these guys? http://tfl.nu/yte1
  Replies (14) Good night (2675) Bad night (1065)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.

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  (417): In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D. http://tfl.nu/wwrb
  Replies (9) Good night (2605) Bad night (746)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside

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  (206): a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside http://tfl.nu/s7y4
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.

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  (604): the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking. http://tfl.nu/g0q9
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face

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  (814): I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame. (724): When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face http://tfl.nu/6r6m
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic

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  (908): Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic http://tfl.nu/xmss
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter

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  (336): i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter http://tfl.nu/ntue
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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  (248): On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers" http://tfl.nu/kmiv
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway

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  (410): We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway http://tfl.nu/kcow
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.

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  (248): You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual. http://tfl.nu/weeh
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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  (203): You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly http://tfl.nu/snl2
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class

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  (269): I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class http://tfl.nu/65qj
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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  (484): if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate. http://tfl.nu/ujin
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

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  (307): Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka. http://tfl.nu/40xv
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts

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  (641): you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts http://tfl.nu/ee07
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.

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  (705): I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat. http://tfl.nu/3hhj
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us

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  (313): We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us http://tfl.nu/w5tj
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?

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  (301): Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you? http://tfl.nu/njmw
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.

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  (937): I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding. http://tfl.nu/schb
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?

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  (303): What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night? http://tfl.nu/ofgo
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  (716): View more from New York

  IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.

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  (716): IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again. http://tfl.nu/cfdh
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.

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  (407): I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye. http://tfl.nu/cusq
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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  (781): I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore. http://tfl.nu/ktqn
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."

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  (414): I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong." http://tfl.nu/mk9e
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"

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  (513): I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem" http://tfl.nu/bkek
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.

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  (303): I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen. http://tfl.nu/li1t
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms

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  (847): I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms http://tfl.nu/d1qk
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'

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  (+44): Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!' http://tfl.nu/w3o8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.

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  (214): He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash. http://tfl.nu/jj6x
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple

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  (423): I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple http://tfl.nu/2rws
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?

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  (713): Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out? http://tfl.nu/0l6b
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.

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  (563): please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death. http://tfl.nu/862e
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.

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  (281): Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet. http://tfl.nu/oj89
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  (530): View more from California

  We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.

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  (530): We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame. http://tfl.nu/it3w
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.

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  (618): I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/619k
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.

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  (804): They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source. http://tfl.nu/hphy
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.

  (1-870): View more from Arkansas

  You always know what to say to make me feel better.

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  (870): If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you. (1-870): You always know what to say to make me feel better. http://tfl.nu/or61
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.

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  (610): At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there. http://tfl.nu/2tn8
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  (585): View more from New York

  I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out

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  (585): I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out http://tfl.nu/5zzk
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  (315): View more from New York

  some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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  (315): some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad. http://tfl.nu/fabc
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me

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  (574): It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me http://tfl.nu/pd5w
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.

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  (757): I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date. http://tfl.nu/oqzd
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car

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  (573): This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car http://tfl.nu/p8ht
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  (909): View more from California

  The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

  (1-909): View more from California

  3?

  (909): View more from California

  Me, myself and I

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  (909): The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking. (1-909): 3? (909): Me, myself and I http://tfl.nu/gl4k
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.

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  (850): I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong. http://tfl.nu/d58h
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective

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  (630): He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective http://tfl.nu/wbyh
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.

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  (313): Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good. http://tfl.nu/3acn
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.

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  (870): He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible. http://tfl.nu/mspa
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!

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  (+44): Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?! http://tfl.nu/qizp
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...

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  (610): He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine... http://tfl.nu/5jaq
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.

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  (703): I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history. http://tfl.nu/nchu
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  (818): View more from California

  Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.

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  (818): Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong. http://tfl.nu/rtog
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  (949): View more from California

  You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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  (949): You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this" http://tfl.nu/ckz0
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  (206): View more from Washington

  So. She dumped me today.

  (425): View more from Washington

  Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".

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  (206): So. She dumped me today. (425): Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving". http://tfl.nu/4be4
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

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  (+61): He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds http://tfl.nu/yob4
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?

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  (970): just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast? http://tfl.nu/o6g0
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.

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  (734): The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake. http://tfl.nu/3nh1
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  (916): View more from California

  whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door

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  (916): whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door http://tfl.nu/x1rj
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable

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  (802): Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable http://tfl.nu/50aw
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all

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  (250): After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all http://tfl.nu/42sy
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech

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  (603): Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech http://tfl.nu/2ee5
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though

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  (601): Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though http://tfl.nu/7jbg
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Please be lying.

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Im not. Your family was creeped out

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  (636): You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased (314): Please be lying. (636): Im not. Your family was creeped out http://tfl.nu/82lj
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?

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  (980): How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail? http://tfl.nu/xsa7
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

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  (320): I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years. http://tfl.nu/ge1t
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.

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  (740): becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard. http://tfl.nu/avz2
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing

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  (512): I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing http://tfl.nu/1m78
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity

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  (250): I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity http://tfl.nu/6n2x
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  (727): View more from Florida

  You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.

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  (727): You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her. http://tfl.nu/lj37
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.

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  (479): Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain. http://tfl.nu/si9l
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  (281): View more from Texas

  You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.

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  (281): You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop. http://tfl.nu/puvx
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Who wants vodka and apple sauce

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  (608): Who wants vodka and apple sauce http://tfl.nu/g86m
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.

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  (214): I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere. http://tfl.nu/7002
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.

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  (773): I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her. http://tfl.nu/gidh
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  (818): View more from California

  Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me

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  (818): Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me http://tfl.nu/ulvi
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.

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  (563): he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on. http://tfl.nu/j2lo
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.

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  (970): Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose. http://tfl.nu/6jp2
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying

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  (732): shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying http://tfl.nu/8jyo
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.

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  (970): I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/vise
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