According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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