It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
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Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.