you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My balls are so social today.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"