HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
We were destined to go to rehab together
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.