I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
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When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Come see our sink grown plant.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm really into asian looking animals
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?