Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
babies were throwing up all over the place
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
