i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you didnt know i had herpes?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that