Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dignity is for republicans.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.