We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Even my vagina gasped.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Are my feet made of real feet?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'