How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
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If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
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Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I need a hoe opinion
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.