I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
