he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
