I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
People in love make me want to vomit
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.