Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wish I only lived at night.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i'm home, then i'll come over
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we're making bets on your personal life
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."