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So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
we're making bets on your personal life
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I want you more than these girls want KFC
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish I only lived at night.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
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