I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Houston, we have a squirter
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.