Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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