My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
she pinky promised me she was 18
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.