Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
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I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
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I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
operation have a gay friend backfired
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Sober January is a disaster.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.