Texts From Last Night · BirdDog's Favorites

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BirdDog's Favorites Texts:

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(515): View more from Iowa

i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?

(864): View more from South Carolina

Smooth sack

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.

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(274): View more from Wisconsin

Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place

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(607): View more from New York

He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?

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(718): View more from New York

If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go

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(319): View more from Iowa

ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.

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(310): View more from California

I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.

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(641): View more from Iowa

FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol

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(519): View more from Ontario

No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.

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(516): View more from New York

I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I swear they were about to hook up!!

(1-240): View more from Maryland

I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(406): View more from Montana

Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift

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(630): View more from Illinois

oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us

(1-630): View more from Illinois

fair point

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(719): View more from Colorado

Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.

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(949): View more from California

Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.

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(509): View more from Washington

also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized

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(719): View more from Colorado

Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night

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(541): View more from Oregon

bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?

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(806): View more from Texas

You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.

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(425): View more from Washington

One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(256): View more from Alabama

So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people

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(425): View more from Washington

He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that

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(425): View more from Washington

I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.

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(360): View more from Washington

sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this

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(785): View more from Kansas

Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.

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(916): View more from California

It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning

(519): View more from Ontario

Omg I think I'm in the wrong class

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(04): View more from

This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.

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(303): View more from Colorado

he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper

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(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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(727): View more from Florida

Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?

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(917): View more from New York City

Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

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(407): View more from Florida

I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.

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(949): View more from California

how did we start talking about space blow jobs?

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(518): View more from New York

It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.

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(214): View more from Texas

How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?

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(904): View more from Florida

Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"

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(623): View more from Arizona

It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(515): View more from Iowa

he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

and you said he wasn't worth calling.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.

(580): View more from Oklahoma

....this is what your political science major is getting you?

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(951): View more from California

Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

we should probably just go check in at the police station right now

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You used the best tools you had at your disposal.

(651): View more from Minnesota

Slutty, slutty tools.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks

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(203): View more from Connecticut

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS

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(925): View more from California

We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car

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(850): View more from Florida

He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life

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(913): View more from Kansas

Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.

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(850): View more from Florida

I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.

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(406): View more from Montana

They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl

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(813): View more from Florida

Penises. Everywhere.

(772): View more from Florida

You're. Welcome.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

(703): View more from Virginia

The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

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(507): View more from Minnesota

you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.

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(971): View more from Oregon

You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.

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(770): View more from Georgia

After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.

(910): View more from North Carolina

im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

next time we drink: battle shots.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.

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(419): View more from Ohio

That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(260): View more from Indiana

He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.

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(518): View more from New York

I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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(406): View more from Montana

I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.

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(313): View more from Michigan

It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.

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BirdDog's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

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