i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.