i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
should my penis look like a turkey
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He felt like a one man threesome
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"