When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?